READING: Blown Sideways Through Life

LISTENING TO: KEXP 90.3, where the music matters.

Today, we’re going to talk about personal hygiene.

Wait, come back.

We’re going to talk about shaving. Not like I go around flashing my legs a lot, but I do prefer ‘em smooth. A relatively basic proposition, but nowhere near easy when it comes to me. Let me illustrate a few of the high points of my attempts to keep the shins hair-free.

Episode 1: Single-blade disposable razor with t’Auld Man’s lime-scented Foamy. Age approximately 14 (started relatively late to shaving as my hair’s light). Cross an unsteady hand with an inability to balance on one foot in the shower… NOT pretty. I didn’t just nick myself, I ended up taking divot-sized chunks out of my shin. Mer says the bathtub ended up looking like an abattoir. And of course, rather than wear unsightly Band-Aids, I used t’Auld Man’s styptic pencil. I’m just smart like that. (I still have scars, thanks.)

Episode 2: Dry shaving with Dad’s good razor. Age approximately 15. Some women never learn. I spent the better part of a Saturday whimpering and making feeble attempts to smother the four-alarm blaze my calves had become. Eventually overcame the agony with quarts of aloe vera and soaking shins in ice water.

Episode 3: Electric razor. Spend about 20 minutes running it up and down your legs and – wow! They feel just like they did before you sat through that obnoxious buzzing noise! Forget it.

Episode 4: Nair. Spend what feels like forever with something incredibly stinky smeared up and down your legs. Um, no.

No waxing or sugaring for this kid – I wouldn’t have the patience to let the leg hair grow to a length where those would be effective. Besides, getting the brows waxed is enough for me.

The Venus razor has been my weapon of choice lately. My coordination has improved, but only somewhat. My current shaving regimen is as follows:

Run water in tub. Dampen shins. Apply lather. Sit on side of tub, propping heel in corner of tub. Begin to shave, completing 1/3 of shin front. Ka-SPLOOSH! Reapply lather lost thanks to heel slippage. Complete front of leg. Drop razor. Pick up razor. Remove hair left by lovely Rapunzel-locked roomie from razor. Continue around leg, expecting foot to slip at least twice per shin. Continue until both legs are complete. Nick back of left knee, front of right knee, and BOTH heels. Curse.

So, with all this fun experience, it’s no surprise I broke down and bid on this ‘Emjoi Gently Gold Caress’ thingy on eBay.

The Emjoi, like the Epilady, is supposed to take the hair out at the root. Out at the root means smoother legs for a longer time. Sounded promising. There are these rotating disc-things that operate like a thousand tiny tweezers, plucking each teeny leg hair at the root and causing future growth to be finer and easier to… wait. Yanking hair out… wasn’t that going to hurt like hell? The box mentioned ‘perhaps a slight prickling feeling’. Well, prickling’s OK, right? Yikes. What had I gotten myself in to?

I admit the Emjoi didn’t sound ideal, but hey – it couldn’t be much worse than the regular bloodletting I was subjecting myself to. And the box did promise ‘advanced pain reducing technology!’. I didn’t find that all that comforting, but I hadn’t braved eBay to wimp out now. So I gave it a test drive last Saturday morning.

And lived to tell the tale.

There was the promised prickling feeling on the shins, but I became pretty desensitized to it after about a quarter leg. Not the most pleasant sensation, but by no means the worst. Afterwards, my legs were surprisingly smooth. No pinching and no blood, either – always a plus.

After the legs went so well, I figured it’d be worth trying under my arms as well.

Once I knuckled the tears from my eyes, I noticed I had incredibly smooth armpits. Smooth armpits that wanted their Mom. Smooth armpits that wanted to report me to Amnesty International for torture… but smooth armpits nonetheless.

All in all, a successful purchase. Once a week and no more blood? Sign me up.