(soothing violin and cello music fades)

James Lipton: Tonight, we are honored to have with us an incredibly gifted artist – and, may I say, an exemplary representative of what we here at the Actor’s Studio Drama School at New School University have come to call ‘craft’.

(stills of the described scenes are superimposed as he continues)

Who can forget her stunning turn as a beleaguered student videographer in ‘Studio One’… Her role as the under-appreciated office worker in ‘Collated, Double Sided and Stapled’ earned critical praise for the restraint of her performance… but her landmark role has yet to be played.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Actor’s Studio is pleased to welcome… the McTartlet.

JL: (squares the 3 inch pile of blue notecards on the desk in front of him) Welcome. Let’s start with an easy one. Where were you born?

McTartlet: Seattle, Washington. Look, Jim – I’m flattered, but there’s no way in hell you found enough stuff on me to fill ten minutes, forget about 4 hours. Why don’t we just cut to the chase and do the 10 questions.

JL: (disappointed) But… but I even found out the name of your childhood pet!

McT: The questions, Jim.

JL: Oh, all right. (sighs heavily) ThisquestionnairewasintroducedbyProust, thenmodifiedbyBernardPivotforApostropheandBoullonCouturewhatsyour favoriteword?

McT: Aw, man. You could at least milk it a little…

JL: Oh, all right. What… is your favorite word?

McT: Accomplished. As in both ‘mission accomplished’ and ‘an accomplished person.’

JL: What… is your least favorite word?

McT: The ‘F’ word. It’s overused and abrasive.

JL: What turns you on? What excites you?

McT: At worst, competence. At best, excellence.

JL: What turns you off?

McT: Mean people. Meanness.

JL: What… sounnnnd or noise do you love?

McT: Joyful laughter.

JL: What sound or noise do you hate?

McT: I can narrow it down to three…

JL: Indullllllge us.

McT: OK. One is cutlery on plates, that squeaky sound when your knife slips.

JL: Yessss.

McT: Two is any noise that indicates pain or disappointment.

JL: (nods sagely) Mmmm.

McT: Three is the sound of Dave Gillette’s leg breaking – compound fracture – at the Kingdome when I was a kid. Sounded like a wet rifle shot.

JL: EWWW! (shudders appreciatively)

McT: No kidding.

JL: What is your favorite curse word?

McT: I don’t have favorite words. I have favorite phrases.

JL: Go ahead.

McT: Well, I’m fond of ‘bloody hell!’. I also find ‘aaaah, bugger it’ or ‘bollocks!’ to be effective. And ‘son of a…’, just kind of trailing off? That’s about perfect. There are more, but I’ll stop there.

JL: What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?

McT: Librarian or maybe an English teacher. Shakespeare.

JL: What job or profession would you not like to participate in?

McT: Accounting, or anything with numbers.

JL: Finally, if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?

McT: We’ve been expecting you. Your family is just down the hall, and God’ll explain it all tonight at 6.